A Little Story About Mania

After a couple of years of writing, drawing, and most importantly healing, I decided it was time to start a website where I can show the world my art as well as share some of my most personal thoughts and experiences of my life. It was tough for me to settle on a website. At first, I wasn’t sure where to begin. I had lots of questions. ‘What domain name do I choose? What if it’s the wrong one? If I don’t like it, can I change it later? Should I use my name as the domain name? Should I use .blog or .com?’ “Just pick one already,” said my friend who recently started his blog. 

I wanted it to be unique to me, and I wanted it to be something that others could relate to. I also wanted something that would stand out more than just my name of Tommy Cox. Well, what better way to stand out than a name that is part of the name of a stigmatized mental health disorder with which I was diagnosed just two years ago, bipolar disorder. Something seemed so rebellious to me when choosing the domain name of bipolarexpressions—but in a good way. 

Here is blog post number 2. 

A couple of years ago I went through quite an experience. I had a full-blown manic episode that lasted months. If you have ever been diagnosed with bipolar disorder you know what I’m talking about. I quit the job that I had since I was 15 years old! I felt invincible and on top of the world. When I put my notice in to work, I declared I was going to write a self-help book and that I was going to be an Artist. 

I spent the rest of that summer partying while draining a large chunk of my retirement savings. It wasn’t pretty, but I had a blast. I was also in a lot of pain. Throughout each day of that summer, I could feel so high on life but I could also breakdown crying uncontrollably. I was a mess and I didn’t have the slightest clue of what I had done until it was too late. 

At the end of the summer, I decided to quit drinking alcohol. I finally started drawing and journaling a lot. In the following months with trying a new medication, I slipped into the worst depression of my life and I became suicidal. It was a dark winter. I’m sure it’s obvious that I survived it or I wouldn’t be talking about it now. I’m sure I’ll talk more about this in a later blog post though. 

Since then, I have overcome so much and have learned a ton about myself. Most of that was getting past myself because it was me who was holding me back. It was me who made every decision that led me to a path of self-destruction. One could argue that everything happens for a reason. If the reason for all this happening was simply to get me to change, then I’ll go with that — because without 2018, I wouldn’t be doing anything I was scared to do before. I would still be stuck in that same rat race that most of us know all too well. I probably wouldn’t even be writing this.

Will I ever be an artist or writer who ‘makes it’? Nobody knows the answer to that question. The truth is, it doesn’t matter, as long as I find peace and balance while being present in every moment while I immerse myself in what I love to do. If that means making art and writing simply for my self-healing, then I accept that. I don’t know where this journey will take me. I do know that I choose to surrender and put my trust in the unknown so that I can find out what comes next. I will, at the very least, be the artist of my own life.

Here it is, my blog and art portfolio 

www.bipolarexpressions.com

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