A Little Bit of Everything

It’s been a while since I wrote a blog post and I’ve been really wanting to write some more, so here I am attempting to do that. I’m not exactly sure where to begin. What do I even talk about? I have so many different specific ideas that I want to write about but so little time these days. I’ll start with an update on my life.

I graduated college in May with an Associate’s Degree in Accounting. I spent the summer looking for jobs in accounting and had multiple job interviews until I finally got a job offer. I took it! I am now four weeks in at my new job as a Finance Administrative Specialist. Fancy-sounding job title, right? 

It’s been good though. It’s a nice change from the types of jobs I worked over the course of my adult life. I used to work at those back-breaking warehouses and I definitely paid the price for it physically AND mentally.

But now, I’m in a whole new line of work. It’s totally different! It’s sedentary, mundane, and not so hectic. It’s taxing on my brain and on my eyes. Working on the computer can be tiring in a whole different way. The best part about it? I get to sleep at night instead of during the day. That’s different too. I also get the weekends off! They go so fast though. These past four weeks have flown by too!

I have realized that sitting at a desk makes me want to get up and do things. When I leave work, I want to run, exercise or do anything that gets me moving around. This job is giving my overworked muscles and joints a rest though. I hardly have time to let my mind wander because I have to pay so much attention to detail, and I really love to daydream and let my mind wander!

So… I make up for that on the weekends. My creative mind is kind of on pause during the workday. When the evenings and weekends come, my creativity is ready to explode. I’ve been wanting to write more, draw more, and just simply express myself more. I didn’t have that outlet during the past several years though. I was so afraid to express myself. I was afraid to be me.

After so many years of trying to fit in with others in many different areas of my life, I realized that it never happened because I wasn’t being myself. And I also realized that ‘fitting in’ is really just a way of suppressing ourselves. Why would we wanna do that? There are lots of reasons, but I’m not gonna get into that right now.

What I will say is this. We all wear different hats at different times, and who we are is not always directly related to what we do. Take for example our careers. A lot of times we are just doing work, but what we do is not who we are. It’s just a hat we wear for the time being. It’s basically a role we are playing for the time being. We are more than that role.

So.. this brings me to ‘bipolar disorder’. I am NOT bipolar. I have simply just been diagnosed with it once based on some symptoms I was experiencing at the time. And just because my blog is named ‘bipolar expressions’ doesn’t mean that this is ‘WHO I AM’. It’s just a point of reference as to what led me to write in the first place.

I suppressed the real me for so long, and when I experienced the symptoms of ‘bipolar’, I started to express myself. It was beautiful. It was ugly. It oftentimes didn’t make sense to others. It was all over the place and full of emotion! Nobody understood me. Why? Because I wasn’t being the person they thought I was for all this time. And that scared the shit out of them!

For the longest time, I wanted people to just understand and accept me, but that’s not so simple. And then, I realized that this is a lost cause. What I really needed is for me to understand myself. I needed to understand myself and really get to know me. I think that this is whole writing thing is all about, just simply me getting to know me. 

But, it’s also about the possibility of connecting with others who also have similar life experiences of feeling this way. I have met some wonderful people just by sharing a little bit about my story blogging, and that’s awesome! 

Okay, so that’s it for this blog post. I know it was a little bit of everything, but I wanted to write, and I wanted to get something out there to be read. I hope you all enjoyed a little bit of that, and I hope you all are enjoying being yourselves. Have a great weekend!