A Little Bit of Awareness
I did a little journaling today but decided to share what came out of my mind today.
I know that I am living my life. I’m here. I’m alive. And that means something. After all that I’ve experienced in my life, I believe that there’s probably a reason that I’m alive and here right now. Being born into a family who didn’t know how to nurture their children has been really rough. It made me who I am today, and that person is an anxious, sad, depressed, and extremely happy and grateful person.
That person is more than just depression and sadness and constant comparing of life to others who seem to have it better. I am that person. But, I am also more than that. I can be happy. I’ve been happy. I experience all of the human emotions, but I often don’t know what to do with them. I wasn’t given the tools in how to regulate and ride the waves of my emotions as a kid. I still don’t even have all of those tools, but at the very least, I am aware of a ton of shit about myself and why I am the way I am.
Being aware, to me, is like the foundation of it all. Once we become aware and awake and able to observe ourselves and others around us, we’re better able to process what is going on with a clear vision and mind. I know that I am not perfect and perfection is a peak that has no ceiling because growth is infinite, I believe.
But, I’m always in constant pursuit of that perfection which I could ultimately change that word of “perfection” into self-realized or self-actualization, like my peak highest self. But something I’m realizing now as I write this is that I am at my peak. I am my highest self right now. I’m doing my best which means I am at my peak for this exact moment and in every other moment. I’m simply doing my best!
But, doing my best sometimes seems like it is not good enough even though it is always good enough! We are always our own worst enemies until we are not. I know that I go back and forth between that state of loving myself and being disappointed in myself. I catch myself so many fucking times throughout my life these days where I’m like, “nope you’re not going to say that. You’re not going to behave that way now”. But, because I have those thoughts in my mind and realize I’m about to play out a behavior or thought that I have, I feel like I did it and instead of hurting someone else, I feel like I’m holding it in and hurting myself for just simply having a thought.
That’s okay though! That is one step in the right direction. Life is hard. It’s not easy to change. It is not easy to behave in a healthier way once we’ve been running on a program that our parents instilled in us since birth. It’s not easy transitioning from a soul that is in so much pain to a soul that is nurturing itself and self-soothing itself.
It’s not easy because nobody knew how to show us the way. But, the pain becomes so unbearable that we end up realizing that it is time to change. It is time to be the person we naturally are. A loving person. A caring person. A person that has been capable all along to be and feel all the greatness within us.